STUDY: Face masks that completely prevent you from breathing are the most effective against COVID

There are now so many ways to prevent COVID-19 from spreading it’s a wonder we hear about it any more. Some methods, at first, seemed a bit draconian but look under the hood and it’s a whole different story.

Initial studies suggested letting everyone carry around their own personal ventilator seemed harsh, but once everyone realized the mayors and governors overplayed their hands and ordered 300,000,000 ventilators it seemed to make sense. When individuals ventured outside they would merely self-intubate, let the machine do all the breathing for them, and at the same time trap all those pesky little viruses. In the evening, especially in NY, social workers would pick up the potentially infected machines, take them to Nursing Homes and since NH residents don’t sleep very well and don’t have much to do anyway, would clean out these little ventilators and by first light have them right back on the doorstep with the newspaper and fresh bottle of milk. Unfortunately, once most of the nursing home residents mysteriously died, the plan no longer seemed workable.

Another plan that seemed well thought out initially was to soak masks in a solution of bleach, cyanide and sarin gas. Scientists were quite sure this combination would effectively kill the virus. Luckily for us, Dr. Anthony Fauci was the study coordinator at the Mengele Institute, and those results are pending. Though the initial recruitment for the study was initially quite brisk, we have learned they are having trouble keeping up their numbers. The silver lining has been the uptick in business for local crematoriums that apparently don’t need the SBA loans so readily available to other local businesses.

The real dilemma has always been from what material should masks be constructed to minimize sneeze spray? And more importantly, how should the vents work on all those N-95 masks? After more research by Dr. Fauci, he came up with a special type of valve that trapped the virus inside the mask and didn’t let any viruses in. The only glitch was the fact that preventing the virus from getting in also prevented potentially infected air from getting inside as well. Final results are pending. Rumor has it that Ghislaine Maxwell has been ‘volunteered’ for both of the above studies and of course we wish her Godspeed.