CDC says you can now peak your head out from your self-imposed prison once a day
NEW YORK (AP) — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said Tuesday that you can finally peak your...
COVID-19
Bill Gates wins Oscar for best villain in real life
HOLLYWOOD—The 93rd Academy Awards broke a lot of new ground this year including awards for best real-life villain, which went...
Lightfoot reminds Chicagoans to mask up this weekend to keep everyone safe while shooting each other
CHICAGO—Mayor Lori Lightfoot made a public announcement, reminding Chicagoans to wear a mask this weekend to keep everyone safe while...
No you can’t just ‘identify’ as being vaccinated. That only works with social constructs like having a penis.
It has come to my attention that so-called people are trying to act like they "identify" as being vaccinated without...
Portland offers free hits of crack with proof of COVID vaccination
PORTLAND, OR—Residents of Portland are lining up to receive their free hits of crack rock—a little extra incentive for receiving...
Get a lobotomy and other ways you can celebrate the 1st anniversary of ’15 Days to Flatten the Curve’
US—It's been one whole year since our health experts told us we would only need to lockdown society and ruin...
Biden assures everyone we’ll be able to celebrate July 4th by year’s end
WASHINGTON, DC—President Biden offered some crucial guidance earlier today on how to safely celebrate the upcoming holidays over the course...
Biden promises to briefly release citizens from lockdown on 4th of July for good behavior
WASHINGTON, DC—For the one-year anniversary of "15 Days to Flatten the Curve", President Biden promises to release the citizens of...
Cuomo says he was too busy killing 15,000 seniors to do anything bad like sexually harass someone
ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo has offered a unique defense against the myriad sexual assault allegations that have been raised against...
Study finds people have a 475% higher risk of dying from socialism than COVID-19
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Researchers at the National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) in Cambridge, MA published an exhaustive study conducted over the...
