Sacrifice a human and 7 more ways to celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day
Everyone knows that if you celebrate Columbus Day, you’re a Nazi bigot, so that’s why most woke cultures and municipalities...
woke
Mattel offering free abortions with purchase of each Barbie movie ticket
HOLLYWOOD—In a bold marketing move that left parents everywhere questioning their sanity, toy giant Mattel has announced an unexpected promotion...
Woke virtue signalers get new yard sign
In a stunning display of self-awareness, woke virtue signalers across the nation are rushing to get their hands on the...
Local kid who only watches TV commercials surprised to learn that there are white people
In a shocking discovery that has left his parents scratching their heads, local 6-year-old Timmy Johnson has realized that there...
Netflix Presents: Polar Bears, a Documentary
Netflix has just announced its latest nature documentary, "Polar Bears, a Documentary." The documentary follows the adventures of a polar...
Historians remove Nicolaus Copernicus for denying scientific consensus
US—Nicolaus Copernicus was a Renaissance polymath, active as a mathematician, astronomer, and Catholic canon, whose statements frequently contradict the scientific consensus on the Earth...
In major policy win, Biden admin offers $30 million in grants to unload Hunter’s crack pipes
WASHNGTON, DC—In a flagship grant program, titled ”Pipes with the Bidens,” the flailing administration has advanced their most ingenious piece...
Apple releases blatantly racist ‘man stealing watermelon’ emoji
CUPERTINO, CA—Tech giant Apple just released a blatantly racist "man stealing watermelon" emoji, according to sources. "I don't know who...
M&M’s releases new woke M&LGBTQIAM’s
HACKETSTOWN, NJ—M&M's chocolate candy is going woke with new, inclusive M&LGBTQIAM's with a unique filling: actual sh*t. Mars Wrigley Group,...
Victoria’s Secret replaces all ‘Angel’ lingerie models with Jabba the Hutt
NEW YORK CITY—In perhaps the wokest of all corporate wokeness, lingerie dealer Victoria's Secret has done away with its attractive...
