Pope Leo clarifies: Christ didn’t go to Hell after being crucified; He went to Portland
Vatican City — In a surprise clarification issued from the Apostolic Palace on Holy Saturday, Pope Leo XIV has revised...
Religion
BREAKING: White smoke in Tel Aviv indicates that Israel has chosen a new OnlyFans CEO
TEL AVIV — In a development that has left both religious scholars and content creators equally bewildered, thick plumes of...
Protestant quarterback doesn’t throw the ball because his faith alone is enough to win
In a stunning display of doctrinal consistency that left analysts scratching their helmets, Protestant quarterback Caleb Sola of the Reformation...
Sources say that Iran has elected Barack Obama as the new Supreme Leader
Tehran, Iran — In a stunning development, anonymous sources close to the Assembly of Experts have confirmed that Iran has...
BREAKING: Khamenei meets 72 virgins after he dies
TEHRAN—In a development sources close to paradise are calling “mildly disappointing yet entirely predictable,” former Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei...
BREAKING: France Joins US-Iran War; Immediately Surrenders to Both Sides
PARIS — Citing “a rare moment of bipartisan exhaustion” in global affairs, France has formally declared itself a co-belligerent in...
Ilhan Omar Condemns Trump’s Iran Strikes as ‘Racist Against Terrorists’
MINNEAPOLIS — In a blistering floor speech that lasted exactly as long as the average commercial break, Rep. Ilhan Omar...
BREAKING: Marco Rubio named new Supreme Leader of Iran
In a stunning development that has left foreign policy analysts reaching for their atlases, President Donald J. Trump announced today...
Prince Andrew Converts to Islam; Police Immediately Drop All Charges
LONDON—In a move described by royal watchers as "bold, innovative, and suspiciously timed," Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, formerly known as Prince Andrew,...
Michigan Bans ‘Assault Bacon’ Following Dearborn Melee
LANSING, MI – In a bold move to protect public safety and promote interfaith harmony, Governor Gretchen Whitmer signed an...
