BREAKING: There is a new world’s fastest woman swimmer
Ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen who are ladies and ladies who are gentlemen, there is a new fastest woman swimmer...
Sports
BREAKING: Women with big hairy balls continue to dominate women without big hairy balls in sports
ATLANTA—Lia Thomas has become the first transgender athlete to win a National Collegiate Athletic Association swimming championship - but she...
POLL: Who do you trust more with public health: Dr. Fauci or Dr. Dre?
After a strong performance on the National Stage during Super Bowl LVI, Dr. Dre is making the case for the...
In effort to be more green, China switches from gas-powered artificial snow makers to 100% slave labor
BEIJING—After several environmentalist groups applied pressure to China about its use of fossil-fuel-powered snow makers to produce snow for the...
Eminem sacrifices two goats to Moloch in annual Illuminati halftime show
LOS ANGELES—The annual Illuminati initiation ritual, also known as the Super Bowl LVI Halftime show, featured an unprecedented number of...
Newsom mandates a 10k-seat ‘Looters Section’ at Superbowl LVI
LOS ANGELES—Spectators paying upwards of $10,000 (yes, you read that right) to watch the LA Rams and Cincinnati Bengals slug...
Subway hires Megan Rapinoe as Sandwich Artist after she was cut from US Women’s Team
US—Outspoken soccer star Megan Rapinoe was cut from the U.S. Women’s National Team roster for the upcoming SheBelieves Cup. But...
BREAKING: China unveils new deadlier Dancing Panda virus at Olympic opening ceremonies
BEIJING—As promised, the new killer Chinese virus was ready for the 2022 Olympics opening ceremony, exposing everyone in attendance. Reviews...
China reassures world that new virus will be ready in time for the Olympics
BEIJING—The Chinese Olympic committee said today that people shouldn’t worry, they will absolutely have a new virus ready by the...
BREAKING: DC NFL team confirms new name: Washington Communists
WASHINGTON, DC—The Washington National Football League team, which has been nameless since getting rid of their racist Redskins nomenclature has...
