BREAKING: Iran Releases ‘Irrefutable Evidence’ They Downed US ‘Superweapon’ 
Congress pauses demanding release of Epstein files in order to block release of congressional sex abuse files 
WATCH: Fat Gun: Doughboy 
Iranian general writes scathing 1-star review for Chinese military drones purchased on Temu 
Sources have informed Trump that the Federal Reserve is just 2 weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon 
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo...
Satire That’s Truer Than News
Why Monitoring Your Credit Reports Matters
Your credit report is more than a list of numbers—it’s a record that reflects how you handle money and responsibilities....
Liberals drop support for Ukraine after discovering Ukrainians are white
US—Progressive activists across the United States have abruptly withdrawn their support for Ukraine following the tragic murder of Iryna Zarutska,...
Leftists quietly update profile pics to ‘Slava Ukraini! * unless a crazy black man kills an innocent Ukrainian on a train’
In a nuanced display of moral acrobatics, progressive activists across the United States have begun updating their social media profile...
BREAKING: Federal Judge Overturns President Trump’s Claim That He’s Still Alive
WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has formally overturned President Donald J. Trump’s repeated statements that he is “alive and well,”...
Thousands of depressed, obese, suicidal asthmatics demand RFK Jr stop ‘endangering our health!’
US—In a stunning display of collective wheezing, thousands of self-described “depressed, obese, suicidal asthmatics” gathered outside the Capitol yesterday to...
Chicago proves it doesn’t need National Guard by only killing 7 and injuring 54 over weekend
In a bold display of civic pride, Chicago residents celebrated the city’s decision to keep the National Guard at bay...
Kamala Harris’s New Security Team to Use Only Nerf Guns
LOS ANGELES—Former Vice President Kamala Harris has replaced her lapsed Secret Service detail with a private security team armed solely...
My spoon killed another 2 gallons of ice cream last night; it’s time for common sense spoon control
This morning, I was devastated to find out that my spoon ate another 2 gallons of ice cream last night....
CNN: The attacker was not a white MAGA Christian male so we’re not going to report on it
ATLANTA—In a stunning display of journalistic efficiency, CNN announced today that it would immediately cease coverage of a breaking news...