BREAKING: Khamenei meets 72 virgins after he dies
TEHRAN—In a development sources close to paradise are calling “mildly disappointing yet entirely predictable,” former Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei...
Politics
BREAKING: Federal Judge overturns the killing of Iranian Ayatollah Khamenei
In a ruling that has left both the Pentagon and Tehran simultaneously relieved and mildly embarrassed, U.S. District Judge Hugh...
BREAKING: France Joins US-Iran War; Immediately Surrenders to Both Sides
PARIS — Citing “a rare moment of bipartisan exhaustion” in global affairs, France has formally declared itself a co-belligerent in...
BREAKING: Senator Lindsey Graham hospitalized with prolonged erection after US bombs Iran
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center late last night after suffering what...
Ilhan Omar Condemns Trump’s Iran Strikes as ‘Racist Against Terrorists’
MINNEAPOLIS — In a blistering floor speech that lasted exactly as long as the average commercial break, Rep. Ilhan Omar...
BREAKING: Minnesota Just Weeks Away from Developing Nuclear Weapon, Sources Say
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Intelligence officials confirmed today that Minnesota is mere weeks—possibly days—from achieving a fully operational nuclear weapon,...
BREAKING: Trump bombs Iran so that he can get a Nobel Peace Prize like Obama
In a bold move to secure lasting global recognition, President Donald J. Trump authorized precision airstrikes on multiple Iranian military...
Sen Thune to Give 8-Month Press Conference to Explain Why 8 Months Isn’t Enough Time to Vote on SAVE Act
WASHINGTON — In a move hailed by political scientists as "the most efficient use of inefficiency since the invention of...
CNN adds Gavin Newsom to panel on ‘What It’s Like Being Black & Poor in America’
ATLANTA — In what network executives are calling a “definitive step toward radical empathy,” CNN has confirmed California Governor Gavin...
Newsom Conducts High-Profile Drive-By Shooting in Compton to Prove He’s ‘Just Like Them’
COMPTON, CA – In what aides are calling “a decisive step toward national healing,” California Governor Gavin Newsom personally piloted...
