Jeffrey Epstein’s prison guards hired to ensure secure election in Philadelphia
PHILADELPHIA—The New York Metropolitan Jail guards who were watching Jeffrey Epstein while he was suicided have been brought in to ensure...
Politics
BREAKING: Masked man commits armed robbery in broad daylight
PHILADELPHIA—A masked man has committed armed robbery in broad daylight. The robbery occurred Friday morning at the Pennsylvania Convention Center,...
BREAKING: Local Procrastinators Club calls election, declares Biden vice president
PHILADELPHIA—The local Procrastinators Club has officially called the presidential election and declared Joe Biden vice president. Biden, who is running...
BREAKING: Biden breaks record for most dead votes ever for a presidential candidate in US history
US—Joe Biden has received more votes from dead people than any presidential candidate in U.S. history, surpassing the record set...
BREAKING: Archaeologists find boxes of US ballots in newly unearthed Egyptian tomb
EGYPT—An archeological mission just unearthed a new tomb in Al-Bhidenfa in southern Egypt. The discovery includes well preserved mummies, artwork,...
Nevada apologizes for technical difficulties while they try to steal the election for Biden
CARSON CITY, NV—Nevada election officials apologized for technical difficulties while they scramble to steal the election for Democratic presidential nominee...
BREAKING: Wisconsin officials find 170,000 Biden ballots on Chinese shipping container
MADISON, WI—It appeared that President Donald Trump was going to win Wisconsin in the 2020 election until—quite miraculously—election officials discovered...
PA election results delayed until 2022 due to use of Common Core math to tally votes
PHILADELPHIA—Election officials in Pennsylvania warned that they may not have results for the presidential election until some time after 2021...
BREAKING: Millions of Americans shocked to discover lots of people disagree with them
(CNN) A day after the national election, millions of Americans were shocked to discover that lots of people disagree with...
Democratic volunteers ensure deceased voters get ‘I voted’ stickers too
PHILADELPHIA—Democratic volunteers across the country spent hours ensuring that deceased voters received their "I voted" stickers on their graves. "They...
