BREAKING: Pete Hegseth storms Senate Armed Forces Hearing; claims Capitol for Jesus Christ 
BREAKING: Pete Hegseth opens senate confirmation hearing by calling Adam Schiff ‘so ugly even Epstein wouldn’t bring him to his island’ 
BREAKING: In lieu of aid, Biden reassures California wildfire victims he will be sending $100 billion to Ukraine in their name 
AOC horrified that people are using gas-powered blowtorches instead of solar-powered one to start wildfires in California 
Gavin Newsom unveils fully-developed ‘totally spontaneous’ plans to rebuild Los Angeles after fires 
CNN: Biden to ensure this supply chain stays open
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden is working nonstop to combat the supply chain issues that President* Biden is creating. But he has...
Satire That’s Truer Than News
Gates warns he will release smallpox if people don’t get COVID vaccine
SEATTLE—Tech founder and worldwide supervillain Bill Gates says that he will release the deadliest disease known to man—smallpox—if people don’t get vaccinated...
Rittenhouse agrees to help with medical in the riots after his acquittal
KENOSHA, WI—Kyle Rittenhouse, defendant in the 2020 self-defense case, has promised to help out with medical support in the riots...
Failed presidential candidate ‘Beto’ launches gubernatorial ‘Beta’ campaign
EL PASO—If at first you don’t succeed, try failing again. That’s the unofficial motto for Robert O’Rourke's Texas gubernatorial campaign after his...
US House indicts 90% of Americans for Contempt of Congress
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the House indictment of Trump ally Steven Bannon for Contempt of Congress, the House, led by Speaker Nancy...
BREAKING: Pfizer releases new vaccine to protect against the side effects of its COVID vaccine
ATLANTA—Scientists are amazed by the quick development of yet another new vaccine under Project Warp Speed. The new vaccine developed...
Local woman devastated to learn pumpkin spice lattes don’t have any pumpkin in them
Having just drained her 743rd pumpkin spice latte (or PSL as she calls them), local woman was shaken to the...
OPED: It’s okay to be racist if your name is Biden
I don't know who needs to hear this but it's okay to be racist if your name is Biden. This...
BREAKING: Kyle Rittenhouse Found Guilty of Murdering Prosecutor’s Career
KENOSHA, WI—A career suicide turned in a career murder when Kyle Rittenhouse took the stand to defend himself. After a...
