BREAKING: WNBA’s Caitlin Clark to play in blackface to compensate for her white privilege 
BREAKING: Disney pulls scene of Clinton’s visit to Epstein Island from Pixar’s show after Kamala’s loss 
AOC: If gun control doesn’t work, then why aren’t there any shootings in gun-free zones? 
BREAKING: Leftists take a break from celebrating shooting of healthcare CEO to call for gun control 
Mystery Solved: Drones Only Orbiting Chris Christie They Mistook For Home Planet 
Around the World
Man who accidentally left 300,000 guns for Taliban gives lecture on gun control
WASHINGTON, DC—The man who accidentally left 300,000 guns for the Taliban and is sending millions of dollars in weapons to the most corrupt country in...
BREAKING: Trump has invaded Canada
In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump has invaded Canada in a bizarre pre-presidential stunt that has left the world in a...
BREAKING: Rooftop Koreans heading back to Korea to settle things down
The Rooftop Koreans have announced that they are heading back to their home country in an effort to settle things down after recent unrest. During...
White House: Nuclear Armageddon was always a key part of Biden’s ‘Build Back Better’ agenda
WASHINGTON, DC—White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said today that nuclear Armageddon has always been a key part of President* Biden's "Build Back Better" agenda....
Transwomen complain about uniforms crushing their balls during dominating performance
PARIS—The Chinese track and field team that recently dominated the high jump at the 2024 Paris Olympics weren't all smiles—there were some grimaces. At least...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
BREAKING: Woman confused why she didn’t find Mr. Right while having sex with 100 men in 14 hours
In what can only be described as the most ambitious quest for love in modern times, Lily Phillips, known in certain circles for her professional...
CNN: How Biden’s global thermonuclear war could be great for your skin
In the beauty world, achieving a glowing complexion is the ultimate goal. And what better way to get that radiant look than through global thermonuclear...
BREAKING: World shocked that a beautiful actual woman won the Miss Universe beauty pageant
MEXICO CITY—The world is shocked and horrified as an actually beautiful woman has won the Miss Universe beauty pageant. Victoria Kjær Theilvig of Denmark has...
Craft Ideas Using Velcro Strips
Who said crafting is just for kids? Engaging in creative projects isn’t just a pastime for the young; it’s a fantastic way for adults to...
Sneaky home fire alarm waits until everyone’s asleep to start beeping for no reason at 3:06 am
SUBURBIA, USA — In a move that can only be described as insidious, a home fire alarm began emitting a single, intermittent beep last night...
Business News
BREAKING: Disney pulls scene of Clinton’s visit to Epstein Island from Pixar’s show after Kamala’s loss
VISTA DEL MAL, CA—Disney has decided to remove a controversial scene from an upcoming Pixar streaming series. The scene in question depicted former President Bill...
BREAKING: Elon Musk becomes the first person on earth with enough wealth to fund the federal government for more than 5 minutes
WASHINGTON, DC—Billionaire Elon Musk has officially reached a level of wealth where he could, theoretically, fund the operations of the U.S. federal government for several...
BREAKING: BLM looking forward to some extended Black Friday looting following Daniel Penny acquittal
NEW YORK—In a move that has redefined the concept of "retail therapy," Black Lives Matter (BLM) organizers have announced plans for an "Extended Black Friday...
Starting in 2025, all refrigerators will have life-size replica of RFK Jr. judging your food choices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to combat unhealthy eating and save the planet, a new federal mandate set to take effect in 2025...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
Ocasio-Cortez vows to use only lowercase letters to fight capitalism
Capitalism has been way too successful at creating wealth across demographics for two centuries and democratic socialists like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have had enough. She...
Science Grid
BREAKING: Biden offers free healthcare and $6k a month to aliens invading New Jersey in drones
Biden offers free healthcare and $6000 a month to all the aliens invading new Jersey in drones TRENTON, NJ—President* Joe Biden announced a groundbreaking new...
BREAKING: Biden posthumously awards Jordan Neely Presidential Medal of Freedom as first human to moonwalk on Mars
WASHINGTON, DC—In a ceremony that could only be described as out-of-this-world, President Joe Biden has posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the late...
Outgoing Transportation Sec. Pete Buttigieg taps P. Diddy for mission to destroy Uranus
Washington, D.C. – In a surprising twist to his final days as Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg announced a groundbreaking—some would say eyebrow-raising—space mission during a...
Elon Musk needs to stop doing amazing things because it’s making us gender studies triple-doctorates feel worthless
As three esteemed gender studies triple-doctorates, we feel it is our duty to speak out against the incredible accomplishments of Elon Musk. His relentless pursuit...
FLASH FLOOD WARNING in Several U.S. Cities Due to Liberal Tears Following Trump Victory
(New York, NY) — The National Weather Service has issued an urgent flash flood warning as record-breaking liberal tears inundate streets, homes, and entire city...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
Featured Articles
BREAKING: Millions of women report for handmaid duty following Trump’s stunning victory
US—The federal government have instructed millions of women across the country to report for "handmaid duty" following Donald Trump's stunning victory in the 2024 election....
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Health Grid
Mystery Solved: Drones Only Orbiting Chris Christie They Mistook For Home Planet
TRENTON, NJ—In a revelation that has both amused and baffled New Jersey residents, government officials have finally cracked the case of the mysterious drones that...
Local white supremacist protesters demand figgy pudding and won’t go ‘until we get some’
Several suburbs across the metropolitan area have been besieged by live action role-players protesting seemingly random homes with demands of figgy pudding. Police have been...
Following traumatic fall, Mitch McConnell says he will continue to stare blankly into space as senator
Washington D.C. - In a scene that could only be described as a blend of slapstick comedy and political theater, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell...
Rep. Adam Schiff has died at the age of 64 after long battle with TDS
Representative Adam Bennett Schiff has died at the age of 64 after a long battle with a severe case of TDS—Trump derangement syndrome. He was...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
Transwomen complain about uniforms crushing their balls during dominating performance
PARIS—The Chinese track and field team that recently dominated the high jump at the 2024 Paris Olympics weren't all smiles—there were some grimaces. At least...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Starting in 2025, all refrigerators will have life-size replica of RFK Jr. judging your food choices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to combat unhealthy eating and save the planet, a new federal mandate set to take effect in 2025...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
Farewell, X: Why I’m Leaving Over Their Refusal to Censor Me
When I first joined X (formerly Twitter), it was a safe haven for people like me—progressive, open-minded, and wholly committed to free speech, provided it...
Kamala Harris quietly changes pronouns on X to “Has/Been”
WASHINGTON, DC—Vice President Kamala Harris has quietly changed her social media pronouns on the platform X (formerly Twitter) to "Has/Been." This unexpected development has sent...
BREAKING: D.O.G.E. to replace costly Congresspeople with automated tellers
Washington DC—President-elect Donald Trump has announced that the Department of Government Efficiency will replace costly Congresspeople with automated tellers starting in 2025. "At $174,000 a...
Call Center Office Design Tips
A call center is integral to its company’s success. After all, the call center serves as a communication bridge between the customer and the company...
