BREAKING: Joe ‘Exotic’ Biden surges in polls with new post-quarantine look
Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden's campaign has been suffering through weak polling numbers and consistent senility. The New York Times...
Newsbeat
BREAKING: Chris Cuomo diagnosed with highly contagious verbal diarrhea
Chris Cuomo, CNN anchor and little brother to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, has been diagnosed with a highly contagious...
BREAKING: Over 24,000 Americans have died from COVID-19; it’s time to panic
The CDC estimates that as of March 30, there have been at least 39 million cases, 400,000 hospitalizations and 24,000 deaths...
STUDY: Most quarantined people pretty much okay never interacting with all the annoying people out there
Who can forget the scenes of thousands of Chinese citizens going about their business wearing surgical masks? Some round, some...
Feminists cry sexism as Covid 19 disproportionately infects men
Globally, feminists have been triggered. It turns out, as fate would have it, that the Coronavirus is disproportionately infecting men....
To save lives, Newsom will execute anyone who leaves their house during COVID-19 quarantine
California is now living its first full day under some of the most wide-reaching measures in the country, aimed at halting the...
In abundance of caution, local teen cancels cleaning her room for one month amid outbreak
People are getting serious about coronavirus by closing everything and postponing everything else. Local teen, Abigail Martin has decided that...
Bill Gates leaves Microsoft board to focus on killing innocent people through biological weapons
Microsoft announced on Friday that Bill Gates is leaving the board, effective Friday. Gates is also stepping down from his position on...
PSA: All public events are cancelled so that residents can meet at Costco to fight over toilet paper
This is a Genesius Times Public Service Announcement regarding the unprecedented coronavirus outbreak: Until further notice, all public events in...
To prevent death or injury, CDC recommends canceling everything forever
ATLANTA, GA – The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued new guidelines for dealing with the sniffles...
