Portland ups the ante: 2 free hits of crack with vaccine card
PORTLAND, OR—The City of Portland is upping the crack rock ante in its COVID-19 vaccine push, doubling the number of...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Biden sending 5000 troops to get all Americans trapped inside Chicago
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden told Americans stuck in Chicago that the government will bring them back to the U.S. even as it is not sure how...
BREAKING: Biden surrenders to Nazi Germany too
WASHINGTON, DC—After a successful withdrawal and surrender to Taliban forces in Afghanistan, US President* Joe Biden has unilaterally decided to...
Biden orders all rainbow flags flown at half-staff after Taliban cancels UN queer theory classes
WASHINGTON, DC—Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley was appalled to hear that the Taliban cancelled all...
Biden assures Americans trapped in Afghanistan he won’t send any mean tweets
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden finally promised the 10-15,000 Americans still trapped in Afghanistan that they don't need to worry about...
LeBron slams racist NBA Best Player poll: ‘They voted for Antetokounmpo cuz he’s white’
LOS ANGELES—Lakers superstar LeBron James is crying racism after receiving zero votes in an ESPN offseason poll of NBA executives...
Hospital CEO wonders where all the nurses went after he fired them for not getting jab
EDGEWOOD, TX—St. Luke's Hospital CEO Jimmy Onenutt is wondering where all the nurses went after he just fired them for...
BREAKING: DC bombing threat says he doesn’t know why there was an FBI paystub in his car
WASHINGTON, DC—The DC bomb threat suspect has surrendered to law enforcement officials peacefully after threatening on a livestream from his...
Introducing Taliban Barbie with hijab, Quran, and a forced marriage license!
Toy maker Mattel has introduced a wonderful toy for all the girls and boys who identify as girls out there:...
