EXCLUSIVE: NASA releases stunning selfies from Mars rover
JEZERO CRATER, MARS—NASA's most powerful rover yet, the Perseverance, is regularly sending back images from the Red Planet, some of...
World
BREAKING: Biden deports all Republicans to Cancún
WASHINGTON, DC—In response to the Ted Cruz scandal plaguing the nation, President Biden signed an executive order deporting all Republicans...
AOC recommends increasing cow farts to warm Texas up
WASHINGTON, DC—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) made a bold suggestion for Texans experiencing unprecedented cooling caused by global warming: more cow...
Satan follows Big Tech’s lead, bans Trump from Hell
HADES—Today, Satan tweeted out that, effective immediately, Trump and his supporters will be banned from every circle of Hell. "Effective...
President Biden declares Eagles Superbowl LV Champs by executive order
WASHINGTON, DC—At 5AM Eastern Time today President-Elect Biden issued another executive order, declaring the Philadelphia Eagles the Super Bowl Champions...
Economist Paul Krugman suggests workers use only their left hand to boost employment
UNITED STATES—In today’s edition of the former newspaper New York Times Nobel Prize winning-economist Paul Krugman wrote an op-ed in...
BREAKING: AOC recalls barely making it out alive of Ewok siege on Endor base
FOREST MOON—A teary-eyed Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) on Monday recounted the horrifying events during the Ewok siege of the Galactic...
BREAKING: Thousands of immigrants heading to US to become victims of systemic racism
McALLEN, TX—A migrant caravan from Africa and Central America is heading for the United States to become victims of the...
BREAKING: Biden ends mass discussion about ‘Kids in cages’
THE BORDER—The great humanitarian Joe Biden has overturned the horrible Trump immigration policy of "kids in cages" that the Obama...
Groundhog Day: Fauci sees his shadow so there will be 6 more weeks of quarantine
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—Anthony Fauci saw his shadow Tuesday, predicting six more weeks of quarantine. No one can question the veracity of...
