BREAKING: Pope Francis dies happy after meeting with JD Vance 
BREAKING: Trump agrees to transfer illegal gang members to the houses of Supreme Court judges who say he can’t deport them 
Democrats: It was okay for Kilmar Garcia to beat his wife because ‘she obviously wasn’t listening’ 
BREAKING: Sen Van Hollen claims it’s ‘disgusting’ that Kilmar Garcia can’t be home in Maryland to beat his wife on Easter like he used to 
AOC vows to torch her Tesla made by that ‘stupid billionaire’ as soon as she figures out how those magic firesticks work 
Omar offers condolences to friends and family of ISIS leader killed in raid
WASHINGTON, DC—Islamic State (ISIS) leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi was killed in an overnight U.S. military raid in Syria, President*...
Satire That’s Truer Than News
Bidens welcome dog gifted from President Xi
WASHINGTON, DC—The Bidens introduced the newest resident of The White House: a dog gifted to the First Family by President...
BREAKING: Milli Vanilli announce they are pulling someone else’s music from Spotify
HOLLYWOOD—Following the Joe Rogan controversy, the popular band Milli Vanilli have announced that they are pulling someone else's music from...
POLL: Who should Biden nominate to replace Jeff Zucker as CNN CEO?
The state-run Communist News Network is losing its CEO Jeff Zucker following sex abuse allegations typical for the company. So,...
China reassures world that new virus will be ready in time for the Olympics
BEIJING—The Chinese Olympic committee said today that people shouldn’t worry, they will absolutely have a new virus ready by the...
Justin Trudeau came out of his hole and saw his shadow so will spend another 6 weeks in quarantine
OTTAWA, CANADA—As is the new custom for Groundhog Day, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau poked his head out of the hole...
OPED: Truckers ? aren’t ? workers ? so ? they ? don’t ? have ? rights
I don't know who needs to hear this but truckers—especially the ones protesting the vaccine mandates in Canada—aren't real workers,...
BREAKING: DC NFL team confirms new name: Washington Communists
WASHINGTON, DC—The Washington National Football League team, which has been nameless since getting rid of their racist Redskins nomenclature has...
BREAKING: To make Canada more inclusive, Justin Trudeau bans white people from the country
OTTAWA, CANADA—In an effort to make Canada more inclusive, Prime Minster Justin Trudeau has officially banned white people from the...
US Bobsled team renames their sled ‘Biden’ because nothing has taken America downhill faster
BEIJING—In preparation for the 2022 Winter Olympics, the US bobsled team has named their #1 sled "Biden" because nothing has...
